Yeah I know … what can I say … even when he walks around with Yahweh in his name … He gave love a bad name. He made second chances smelled like rotten eggs. And treated childhood memory like a decaying piece of carcass. And women like doormats … where he can conveniently wipe off his sadness and frustration accumulated for the last 42 years of his so-called life.
Be careful with men like that brandishing their wares innocently like baseball bats. As if they were just going to a game but we’re actually out there to cheat on their equally miserable wives (c'mon you know, you can't cheat on fulfilled happy housewives ... thriving on a satisying, and still happy matrimony ), lure unsuspecting batchmates to some kind of promise as they push their way to prove their manhood at 42, virtually will do.
Remember, 30 years ago, what was left in that memory was a young boy, too bad he came back a monster. And what does it make of you … of us … but some clumsy little sluts (LOL) … all suckers for love! I am brave nuff to face that guillotine. I deserve that chopping board! This witch deserves that bonfire!
It is sad, that even when I have found someone, I doubt and I fear, knowing that in this world, there exists a boy who walks around and wears God’s name in his forehead yet serves another master and love another (s). Like a big dirty bad wolf in sheep’s clothing. And you'd miss the cunning one, and jusz see all the wool. It can be tricky ... but I was jusz plain stupid. Yun lang yun.
(See what a small talk can do to me :), early Monday morning, my rest day from work… it feels like … a dormant volcano suddenly transforms into anything blitzkrieg. Jusz exactly how swift and unapologetic he ruined that kind of peace in my life some 8 months back.
Sometimes I wanna say I wish him happy. But that’s me being nice. But this time, I don’t like nice. Nice sucks! He’s not gonna get a gift box with pretty ribbons on it. I don’t want that for him. He doesn’t deserve it! Yeah, right, where he lives everything is big … and that humungous karma resides not only in his house but in himself. He deserves that!
If there’s any consolation in this story … Joel Ilagan is finally out of my life. (For real. And for good.). It's not cloud nine, but it feels like I am so close to God ... I hear His breathing, and feel His loving hands touching my face. Joel Ilagan's memory still brings tears in my eyes, not for anything cheesy :) .. but because it is a lifetime reminder that somehow makes me hard and unforgiving to myself ... it is so punishing that ... honestly, until this very day and until only God knows when ... I still hate myself to the teeth, to the bone ... for being careless, and stubborn and foolish, and bring upon myself, and upon my daughter, and my friends, and everyone else who truly loves and cares about me, clear and present danger.)
***I have not written anything yet about my “last year”. My usual, ceremonial, rundown of my previous year. A fulcrum of all thngs recently passed. I got swept away. Right now I still am paying dearly for it, for so many reasons than one. This sums it all. My 2011 would have been perfect … until he destroyed it like why should he care!
So I tell God, people like Joel Ilagan should come with a label, that blinks and reads, like a warning sign.
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