Attraversiamo

Another down, another one to go next week. It was almost perfect until the score sheets hayyyy … I was texting Jen just before my take-off yesterday afternoon. I was ranting about …. Moments like this, I so miss mah ol’ team ITSED. Hayyyy But I learned to count ‘em by the number … two down, two more left. One day soon, I will be back in the arms of old crew;)

I was strutting KCC supermarket for some rush props shoppin’, pipe-in music lazily playin’ one of Dido’s Life for Rent. Loveeetttt! I now realized how much I have come to adore Dido’s music, and how my Dido playlist has grown over the years. I used to have three (plus Enya’s ;)) . Now I have added two, funny, the twists, funnier, the connections … I am sharing them here now, for kind strangers' listening pleasure.





And while I’m enjoying my sweet sunny yellow toe nails, my anti-stress green mud pack cracking up on my face, me happy with my expensive fair of new pair of lens on my “vintage” orange frame … I remember getting a little sentimental Friday nyte. Somebody turned 42 that day, and I didn’t have nuff cash for an overseas call, limited inspiration and afraid not finding the right words for a poem, my fondness of Friendster had died some time ago, he still is one of those unsociable souls walkin around in space without Facebook. So jusz before my ingress was over at 12 midnight. I rushed my driver to take me back to my hotel. I quickly ordered a bucket of iced cold light beer, I jumped on my bed , while my mobile phone was charging, my poor tired feet closed to death, I sent a simple message of love and thanks. No more guilt feelings of unthoughtfulness :) and insensitivity :), now I can take my shower in peace.
My phone rang. I got soap on my face :). I tasted the scum in between my lips. I took my phone with wet hands, I knew exactly what to say, with no apologies …. I made it, just in time … “Happy Birthday, Gers! Musta New York? You know, I was in the shower, I almost slipped, but I had to ran and pick up, I know it’s you. So …. Uhmmm … how’s Josh doing :) He’s big na no?.”
(You now fairy’s … they always have a way to get away with things. Parang mentos candy lang di ba ehehe)

And this last Saturday, it's been a year since that "wrong dial", someone was very afraid I would misinterpret. Now that I have a new number, his own BFFs do not know, no more wrong dials, no more misinterpretations. I remember ... I always remember. Sometimes, some bad memories, they jusz won't go away.

Too much of airplanes, good nuff for finishing off one novel. So let's talk about parallel lives.

When you’re lucky enough to reach middle age, then most likely you have already a body of evidence, a history , a growing archive, a repository of knowledge, a growing collection of accomplishments and failures, a statistics of how much or less, how many or few, how poor or great.

This period beyond young adulthood but before the onset of old age … surviving birth, fleeting childhood and teenage life … we have educated ourselves, possibly as far as post-grad, changed employment may be twice of thrice or even four times, traveled far and wide, kept friends that we’ll bring wiht us throughout this lifetime, have tried all the novelty and the nasty, drink, smoke, stone or may be clean living all the way, slept around, slept peacefully , stayed a virgin or declared celibacy, been pregnant once, twice, double, quadruple, dreamt of pregnancy and underwent fertility treatment, gotten married, may be separated, took a lover, or may be still married, happily/unhappily, or a second marriage, happily/unhappily, kept a hobby, found a God or defined your own spirituality.

People coming and going into your life. Some leaving you with little memories you don’t even remember them anymore, some changed you, and you are never the same.

May be by then you have a hill of angst, depression, too much or too less of joy and ecstasy. Made friends. Made enemies. Black, white and gray areas. Half the color, half the circle, half the throttle.

That period in time before we’re grandparents ourselves … in case we are sentenced to die with old age. We are a half-way through, but not almost there yet. Don’t you think midlife is like puberty, sometimes, I think it is.

The sum of my life, may be at the half of my lifetime, lemme see:

I went through the separation of my parents. Cultivated my own bigotry on step-parents.
I have experienced losing loved ones, family and friends mostly from sickness and old age.
I have seen my family, grew bigger, sometimes wiser, sometimes not.
I graduated with honors. Went to grad school. Shifted careers three times. Traveled a great deal. Got my own place. Bought a car and sold it.
At 23, I packed my suitcase to Manila, declared my independence and started living on my own. Got into vices, got into troubles. I was promiscuous and slept around.
Just before my 26th birthday, I moved in with my boyfriend. That same summer I got pregnant.
That September I decided to marry. I had Sophie at 27. My marriage was breaking-up.
Took my bestfriend as a lover.
Made enemies. Made friends. Black, white and gray areas. Half the color, half the circle, half the throttle.
Yes, it’s true, my heart was broken a few times. I broke a few hearts , too. So as they say, everybody plays the fool sometimes :(
At one point, I was introduced to God, and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. In many long periods after that, I was unfaithful, I stumbled and back-slid.
I was diagnosed to be alcoholic in the middle of rock bottom from losing my mother, raising alone this fragile 9 year old, my wrong judgment over sheeps in wolves clothing, and my poor old heart splattered amidst this same crowd I sincerely thought were my friends, I wanted so much to leave but couldn’t.
I was losing my dear self and I wasn’t even 40 years old.
The median is strategic and critical. The wasted time, a little more time to waste. May be late but not very very late.
I started collecting pieces of my dear self together. Sometimes I lick my own wound. If there was no available cure on hand. I ran a fever overnight. I get better the next day. I got sick but I did not die.
I got a new job and tried to get busy with it. Spent my money. Invested my money.
I decided to be sober. When I am not working, I stay home most of the time. I left the wolves into the woods. I drink, dine and party only with chosen friends now.
I am friends with my daughter. I am friends with my daughter’s father. I am friends with myself.
I am not very good at religions. But I love my pep talks with God. :)
I am not in a relationship right now. I don’t even have a lover. It doesn’t mean I’m not in love. Let's put it this way, God and I, we're saving the best for last.
I don’t have sex. But I have hobbies like my readings, my writings, this journal, Facebook, all my collection, etc, etc And because of that, I don’t get Urinary Tract Infection these days :) hahahah. Seriously, let me put it this way, I have a theory, of Sweet Eventuallys. I bet when it happens its gonna be blietzkrieg beautiful!


The truth about midlife crisis is at midlife you are ready for the crises, you’ve been through them half of your lifetime so what’s there left to worry about.

You are just as ready to cross over, anytime, anywhere, anything with anyone.


(This the effect of finally finishing Eat Pray Love. Officially, I'm reading "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?" by Judy Blume. This afternoon during a quick shopping with Soph, I checked with National Bookstore, Elizabeth Gilbert's "Committed" (it's closed to 700 bucks) ... am really really curious of Liz's new accounts of her life with Brazilian 50 ;)")